You Won't Relent

Surrender has always been a bit of a touchy subject for me. Humans, we don't really like vulnerability and technically speaking, it's "safer" to build up walls to stop people from getting too close to you. I think it's a very natural thing to do. Love will always be a thing of vulnerability; letting someone have your heart, loving someone means that they have a power over you, whether you like it or not.
I love God. I'll always be able to say that, always. But that love also requires certain things from me; my heart, my soul, my mind, my life, my time. Is it too much to ask? No, it's actually not but it is definitely a scary thought sometimes.

You won't relent until You
Have it all
My heart is Yours

You won't relent until You
Have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set
You as a seal
Upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love
That is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters
Cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

This is a song that means the world to me, you can hear it here. The first time I heard it, I was pretty floored; God wants me, all of me. I've always heard that quote, "I want more of Him, and less of me" and man, is that the truth or what. It's the only way in which my life can be complete. Nothing is more important than this.
I find myself wanting to give everything straight away but He quiets my heart and reminds me that this is something that must happen every single day, until my God and I are one.
And that's another mindblower, being one with Him, what must that feel like? Having your soul so undeniably tied to His, your heartbeat matching His, I definitely want to find out. It's times like this where I just know that God is my everything.
Yesterday, I found the verse in the Bible that this song is inspired by; Songs of Solomon 8:6 -

6 Place me like a seal over your heart,




like a seal on your arm;


for love is as strong as death,


its jealousy [a] unyielding as the grave. [b]


It burns like blazing fire,


like a mighty flame. [c]
7 Many waters cannot quench love;


rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give


all the wealth of his house for love,


it [d] would be utterly scorned. (NIV)

I'm pretty sure I'll never forget this part of the Bible. But then I looked up The Message translation of this verse and this is where my heart ached for God, for that need to know Him better, His word is amazing -

6-8 Hang my locket around your neck,




wear my ring on your finger.


Love is invincible facing danger and death.


Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.


The fire of love stops at nothing—


it sweeps everything before it.


Flood waters can't drown love,


torrents of rain can't put it out.


Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—


it's not to be found in the marketplace.

"The fire of love stops at nothing" - I'm pretty much amazed at this point. He won't stop, He won't soften his intensity until He has me completely wrapped up in Him. And the other part of this verse, "wear my ring on your finger" - He's openly proclaiming me as His, everyone has to know. I'm His.


My Love is mine and I am His.

So much to say...

It's been a crazy couple of days and I just have so much to say. Life has been good though, I've been so blessed, so happy, maybe my life isn't perfect but it's good enough for me.
It never ceases to amaze me, just how faithful this God that I can love can be. I've come to realise that He's never late, He's never wrong. If you're not a person of faith then you probably can't understand why I so willingly place my heart and life in the hands of an invisible God.
You probably don't understand why I keep talking about Him, it's something that I can never truly, fully explain to another human being. It's something to be experienced and my greatest joy in life is that I know Him, and that He loves me.
Anyways, enough mushy stuff for now. Today I was checking my emails in the morning and I got an email from facebook telling me that someone I suspected to be someone from my past wanted to be friends on facebook. I flipped out and  just had to leave her a video on her wall. It was the most unexpected, amazing thing. I'm still awaiting her response but I'm glad she's alive, and from the looks of things - well.
I'm not even sure if we'll be able to be friends, five years can change a lot of things about a person and in just this past year alone, I've grown up so very much. I'm not sure what we'll talk about now, but I'm glad to have her in my life, even for just a little bit. She was always a special person in my heart and I always wondered if we'd cross paths ever again, and apparently, God had that same thing in mind too.
I guess that the life I live is going by pretty fast. I kinda see myself as a little girl, on a train, with the scenery around her rushing by her, and God is the one thing I can clearly see, the one thing that isn't affected by everything else. He is just who He is, all the time, and His love is so simple yet so powerful.
Because everyone changes, I never expected to change as much as I did but everyday reaffirms the fact that I'm growing up to be a strong and beautiful woman.

"It's the wheel of the world turning around"

Letting go...

Well, this is something that I've had to do recently and I'd be lying my face off if I said it was an easy task. Humans, well, we're made to love, we're made to treasure things...and people, of course - the latter being the more valuable. I've come to understand that in life, there are seasons, there is a time for everything. There are people who I had in my life two years ago and now we can barely sustain a five-minute conversation. Not to say we hate each other, it's just that we can't be in each other's lives anymore.
I've also come to understand that everything in life changes; plans change, people change, feelings change but the one constant in my life is God. He's still the same God that swept my heart away four years ago, everything He said, He has done. Every promise, every time He told me He'd never leave,  every time He told me that I was held by such a fierce love, all of that is true.
Every time He held my nearly-shattered heart in His hands and promised that He was not through with me, every time the wind blows on my face and I am reminded that I am not alone. Even when fear grips my heart momentarily, and He speaks soft words of love and encouragement. Even in the times when the situation seemed much too overwhelming and He'd say, "go on ahead love, I'm with you".
This is my freedom; that I know Him, that I love Him, that I know His love for me, that I know His love for humanity.
It is because of this freedom that I am able to forgive, that I want to forgive and that I can let people go from my life without trying to pull them back in. There are people who have accomplished their mission in our lives, there are those who weren't even supposed to be there in the first place but if God has taken them out of our lives, it is only for our good, and this can only be a bad thing if we decide to go against God.
I love this quote by Mr A. W. Tozer:

"Outside of the will of God, there's nothing I want, and in the will of God, there's nothing I fear"

I find that to be so inspiring and that's really the quote in my life right now.
Recently, I had to let go of a relationship very important to me, and it's hard, I still want to talk to her sometimes, and there are times when I want things to go back to normal but this is His will, and anything outside of His will, I do not desire.
I have learnt to live unapologetically, I am only one person, I can only be one person effectively and that is myself. The people who are bothered by this do not matter, and those that matter are not bothered by this.

Picking up, although, hardly where we left off...

Okay, so I'm not going to start the post with "so..." like I usually do because this time, I've actually been away for quite some time so it's hardly appropriate anymore.
Alot has happened since the last time I posted on this blog, I mean, alot. I graduated high-school, had my prom, finished and aced all my exams, started planning for college, so much, so much. I think I've grown tons since then.
On the last day of secondary school, I cried, alot. Haha, I seem to be using that word a little too often in this post. Maybe it's because everything is becoming more intense; my love for God, my hope for my future, leaving a part of my life behind, saying goodbye to people, fighting to keep other people in my life. Everything's immense right now, and I like that, makes me feel human.
I love limitless, passionate living because I honestly think that's what God intended. C'mon, what's life without a little pain or a little fear, and then again, what's life without those moments where you see your dreams come true, where your faith becomes your eyes.
Random thought - I don't know what it is about Bruce Springsteen's "Walking In Memphis" that makes me love life and feel like I can do anything. I don't understand the feeling, but I definitely welcome it.
I've decided that I'm going to update this blog way more frequently, just for my sanity, haha. For some reason, I don't write songs as often as I used to, I plan to change that but I definitely want to keep this blog as another outlet.
Like right now, I'm typing away like a mad woman, just saying whatever, it's pretty healthy.

Anyways, I hope everyone's having a great time and enjoying life
I wish you only the very best and fullest life
live it to the full!
xxx

In the middle of it all...

Oh. my. goodness.
Well, now it's officially been too long and I feel, actually not too bad, it's something that I've had to do, I've been doing a lot of schoolwork and I mean ALOT. Plus, lots of living, lots of wandering from Love's arms and wondering whether or not I really want to live for Him and it's funny how God is always pointing everything in my life to Him, I always like to think I've got this whole faith thing figured out and the truth is I haven't.
I've had a lot of worldly influence lately and it's been taking it's toll, I've searched for comfort, for love, for affirmation in the most unfulfilling places and this is what it feels like - the most incomprehensible emptiness, a thorough lack of joy and inspiration, in the words of Flyleaf -

"I saw the queen/Swam up below her star on sea beneath/Though I lifted up my hands to her/She never lifted me/Something's missing in me/I felt it deep within me/As lovers left me to bleed alone"

So yeah, I've lived a lot lately, my heart has felt a number of things too, jealousy and a lot of love, or at least what feels like love at this age and it's kinda scary, I have such a great capacity for love and this scares me because everyone wants to love and be loved back and if the latter doesn't happen then well, the heart breaks.
And yes, my heart is breaking, for my generation, there are things that I can't even begin to explain in this blog, I literally broke down in tears today, people are wasting their lives, their destinies and their virtues in the most heartbreaking of ways and no one is brave enough to say anything.
And I wandered from God recently so I've had the opportunity to see this on a deeper level but then I heard this amazing song from this new band that I completely adore, Nevertheless...

"I want to come closer



But you are so distant


Lately your thoughts are so far


And I want to show you all that you're missing


I'll meet you right where you are
Oh love, I've always known you


Oh love, you've always been mine


Oh love, I'm only asking you for your life"

Too long, tooooooo long but smiles anyway :DDD

Soooooo...

Wow, okay, so it's definitely been too long now but I've had issues with this laptop of mine as well as school stuff and just life happening, and oh, did I mention, I've also been very lazy, I suck, no need to remind me, this I know, very well.
Anyways, well, life has happened, a lot has happened and I almost don't have the patience to tell you everything but positive things, loads of curves and bumps in the road, my God likesto keep things interesting and this is what He does. Sometimes I just sit down and smile and think about all the cool stories I'm gonna have for my kids, and grandkids, and hopefully, my great-grand-kids, I know I've always said I want to live long but it's especially for them. I never knew my great-grand-ma, I heard very little about the person she was but from the little I have heard, she was a very lovely and caring woman, can't wait to meet her in heaven one day.
I've had a ton of exams lately, as well as college interview :D Yup, I'm pretty happy about this, I'm starting to get this whole discipline thing worked out, see it's all about Jesus, when my eyes are on Him, everything else just falls into place, freakishly easy too, freakishly easy.
And dudes, there are times when I just feel like I've let myself down, and trust me, I do that quite often but then the Spirit reminds me that the same power that raised Jesus from the grave is living in me, working in me, breathing into me every single day of my life, isn't that just the craziest thing? Strange ways to save the world, eh?
Haha, but well, God is good, He's very good. Of late, I've had my eyes opened wider to His goodness and it is mind-blowing! I've attended a few times, this church called VPA, so annointed with a Pastor that just loves God and is so annointed and has an incredible desire to see God work in the lives of His people. And man, isn't that what I want? I want the entirety of the living God, all of Him, or I want nothing to do with religion.
And it's crazy because, "religion" as most of us know it has very little to do with intimacy with God, which sucks, I cannot begin to tell you how much that really sucks, honestly. Before I got saved, I didn't even KNOW that you could have this kind of closeness with God, isn't that weird? I had no clue, no idea, it didn't seem like a real possibility to me at the time.
But man was I floored when He came into my life...
Anyways, what do I want to say amidst all these utterly inconsistent ramblings?
God loves you, I mean, the whole no-holds-barred kinda love...

"You're saved when you believe in God but you're changed when you realise that He believes in you"
:DDDD Byeeeee

Dancing and juggling, good fun, good fun :D

Sooooo...

It has been a good long while since I last updated, again, for the millionth time, I am giving myself a mental beat-down.
But in all this, God has been oh so good, never letting go of my hand and taking me through the worst and being ever-so-present through the best. What am I doing right now? Watching some good ol' Disney channel. Oddly enough, I actually like some of the Disney stars, I'll be honest Disney isn't the first place to go to for authenticity but I have a soft spot for Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez, especially Selena. They're human okay? I think it's easy to forget that sometimes.
Anyhoozer, there is so much going on in my  life right now, exam preparation, coursework, headgirl duties, growing up and becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, not always feeling pretty enough, days when I feel gorgeous, learning to organise myself better, learning to put God first in everything, a whole ton of stuff that I'm juggling.
But it's all good fun and it's all in God's good will so yes, I find myself being on my knees more often, but time like that is good for moi.

Buh-bye now :D