Random thoughts, been a while since I had this kinda post..

Soo..

Okay, so I'm having a "random post" day kinda feeling..that, or I can't actually think of a suitable title for this one, or are my titles ever suitable? questionsss..
Anyhoozer, I hope everybody's okay and finding love and happiness and joy and fun and truth in Jesus, and just, learning to listen to this God that we serve..
I'm sitting here with my cup of tea and I've got some good ol' Bethany Dillon playin and I'm pretty content right now, see, I've got a lot of stuff that I need to be doing and a lot of stuff that I'm commited to at the moment - school, my music, loving people, this blog. There's just so much that I'm expecting of myself at this point in time and I just, I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do it all...but I'm leaning on God, that's what He's telling me to do.
Because, outside of Him, I really don't see how this thing called life is worth doing, if it's even possible to do, I'm just busy and I got home extra late from school today and my time just seems to be flying out the door.
Times like this really bring me to my knees and I just, I need God's grace and presence so much.
Anyways, today at school was fun, one of my favourite human beings in the world, a girl after my own heart Roma, was playing music at school today and well, it's beautiful to see what God does in people's lives even when we're mostly unconscious of it. She started playing guitar when she was eight and she's outstanding and she sings too, and I'm sure that when she first started playing, it seemed like nothing special but the truth is that, now, it's just incredible to see.
Another reason why I love her is because well, she loves my bestest friend in the entire universe - that man called Jesus.
Anyways, after school I saw one of my buddies from primary school that I haven't seen in forever and he was so growwwn! I couldn't even tell it was him, he's taller than me and everything. I don't think he recognised me but still, it was really good seeing him again and beneath all that height and puberty, it was nice to see little bits and pieces of the seven year old that I loved with all my heart.
But change, change is a good thing, especially when you know you're in God's will so don't run away from change, embrace it, arms wide open and everything.

Buh-bye now :D

More change? Lord, help me...

So...

Well, God is doing a wonderful little work in my heart today, I love times like this when I can see His will so clearly but then again, I'm not gonna lie when I say that His will, at times, frightens me a little. He's a very big God and I'm a very small human and sometimes, I depend on the physical a little too much, I forget to think beneath the surface and the things God has said just, they seem so big.
But there is this pretty little thing called surrender. And it's something that I'm learning to do more and more of everyday so we thank God for the grace that He so willingly lends to us.
I was watching this program today called "Life at the summit" and the most wonderful teacher of the Word was speaking about taking the time to evaluate the roles that the people in your life play. Now, this was a scary wonderful message for me to hear at this point in my life when so much change is taking place so rapidly. My world is constantly being altered all the time and God is just saying so much to me right now.
There are those who will add to your life, there are those who will take away from your life, there are those who will leave you as you are and there are those who will divide. And then he started saying that a best friend should be someone who brings out the best in you. I really searched in my heart to find out whether the people I call my best friends bring out the best in me, and this has got me thinking BIG TIME.
I need to be sure of the roles that people play in my life, I need to know which relationships to nurture and which ones to slowly tear myself out of. It's a very important thing and there are people that God has put in your life and at the same time, there are those that the devil has sent to derail you, to distract you from your goal in this world, to blur your vision and your focus.
So, I'm gonna start praying from now on that God teaches us to recognise these things in people and helps us to understand the roles that people play in our life better.
I'm not saying that God's will makes a lot of sense most of the time, but He is the hand that holds the world and He loves us, I'd say He's worth trusting.

Buh-bye now :)

Dreams of the future..

So...

It seems that I'm getting a little better at this whole "consistency" thing eh?
Yup, I agree.
Hehe anyways, I went to view a college today, Havering Sixth Form College to be precise and it was amazing, I love the place already. All that talk of learning and growing and furthering all the skills I've been getting in secondary school is so exciting, it makes me want to study all day if that were possible.
I just, have this deep, unshakeable feeling that God is going to do something spectacular in my life and I'm finally beginning to see that life will go on after secondary school. I always get a little sad when about leaving friends, familliarity and an entire community behind but my heart is pretty much consoled right now. I have so much potential and what God keeps saying to me is, "Arise and be all that you can be, all that I've created you to be".
I'm at this dreaming stage right now, thinking of all that I want my life to be. Obviously, Jesus is the first thing. I don't want to do this thing called life without Him, why would I?
But people there is so much promise and love around us, that it's hard to ignore. God's promises and God's love, to be precise. So much to be happy about, so much to dream about. God has so much for us and this is just, the year where I'm growing so much already and just depending on  Him like never before. Because, the waters of life, when you hold on to Him, they will not overwhelm you, trust me on this. And whatever He requires of you, do it. Seriously, do it.

Buh-bye now :D

And the change is coming..

So..

I've stopped regulating how frequently I blog now, which is rather unpleasant to be honest, I created this blog in the hopes that I'd be able to say what's on my mind more and I just haven't been doing that very much, yup, I suck, I know now.
Anyways, God's been doing a mighty big work in my heart, a mighty good one. I'm at the stage where I've tried living for myself, I've tried the whole "carnality" thing and it kinda sucks to be honest, it just doesn't matter to me anymore, God is just showing me how none of these things that we spend so much of our time pursuing, how very few of them actually matter. All these fads and trends, they just, they dissapear so fast and time, definitely, waits for no one.
I just have such a hunger for God right now and for the things of Him, I want all of Him, all of Him, or nothing at all. I want my heart, my mind, my eyes, my soul to be saturated with His presence and His love, there's just nothing else for me right now.
I need to have a reason to want to do well in life - right now I'm on the verge of the rest of my life, leaving secondary school/high school forever, it's the end of an era, it's the end of  what has become one of the most beautiful parts of my life. And all I can say is that I want Jesus.
There's just, there's so much ahead and it's crazy sometimes, so much will happen so fast, I'm growing everyday and just changing in ways that kinda scare me a little but I just know this - I want my Saviour, and I want Him alone.
The other day I was making changes to my hotmail account and it said, "relationship status" and I was looking through the options and it said, "commited" and that was the one I chose. I'm not in a relationship with anyone but I'm very commited to Someone else. What I have with Jesus, it just, it transcends love or anything that I could sit down and try to make sense of, it's just more, way more.
So change is coming, good change and God is with me, and He's in my heart and He's in my life and I know that I wouldn't be the same without Him.

Buh-bye now :)

The first one of the year! WOOT :D

Soooo...

Once again, it has been a while since I've posted on here and I pretty much hate myself for it because, well, I love this place, I really do and I get a little dissapointed when I see that I've only had like twenty odd posts since I started posting in September, I suck, okay, that's kinda where I'm going here.
But anyways, 2009 is out of our hair, hahaha well, it's gone, forever, never comin' back, hasta la vista, but it's a good thing and I genuinely believe that it was a good year, excellent even and I hope it was the same for you.
But 2010...
There are sooo many things that God is speaking to my heart this year, and it's pretty scary that the message I heard on the crossover night was so made for me. God knows what He's doing, I try not to let myself forget that :) The message was about thinking deeply, and it's sad because so few people do. I know that it's pretty fun to act on impulse and do what feels right in the moment but it's a dangerous thing. Now, thinking deeply probably sounds safe, but rather, I believe that acting on impulse, and thinking at the surface-level is what's safe, everyone's doin' it. You're afraid to think deeper because you think you'll drown. And I have to remind myself that it's a good thing because it's just so much easier to not do it.
Thinking deeply requires courage, determination and discipline, all of which I tend to lack pretty often but God is my strength so that's going to change, big time.
And again, something else God has been teaching me to do is faith.
It's a big word.
Simple.
A pretty simple concept.
I've heard this word nearly every day of my life.
But I only started living it.
Recently.
I'm reminded of the story in the Bible, Jesus's first miracle, the one where He turned water into wine, and Mary tells the men at the party, "Whatever he bids you to do, do it"...
Weird how that's all faith really is...
Doing whatever He tells me to do, and everybody's heard that faith without works is dead, and a lot of the time, the things God asks us to do can be bizarre and most people would call them foolish but He's God and I love Him more than anything.
I have this fire in my heart to follow Him relentlessly and blindly, and that my friends is what I'm going to do.
And I pray the same for you all.
Buh-bye now

Now, this time, it's REALLY been too long...

Soooooo...

It's been too long, that much is obvious now...
I updated like last month, now that's shameful but I do have a valid reason; my sister's laptop (which I use to do all of my blogging), it broke down and for like three weeks it had to be repaired, after that, I've been really busy with my Mock exams and loads of school stuff, not to mention that I fell pretty ill in between all of that.
But I'm back now, and hopefully for good too...:)
So what have we missed?

The illness -
First of all, it started with a really dry throat and then a sore throat followed that and just when I was starting to get better, I woke up the next morning with my bones aching and with a fiery hot body (not in the attractive way lol, I wish). I went to school that day anyway and boy did I pay for it or what...I couldn't concentrate and my body temperature went even higher and everything continued to hurt. It was so irritating because it started to play games with me, sometimes my temperature would return to normal then out of nowhere, I'd get really hot again, but alas, my God is good and I survived...no swine flu here lol.

Mock exams -
I was really prepared for the study leave, with the exception of my first Maths paper; I don't think I did too well on that one, one of my worst examinations ever. Period. Everything else went swimmingly and the study leave (which I'm currently still on) has been all kinds of awesomeness. I got to hang out with friends in between exams and that was really cool. It's also really challenged me and it's made me want to do exceedingly well in the real GCSE exams, more so than ever. It's also given me a taster of what it'll be like when I leave, it's so weird being in year 11, really you've never been more a part of your school but at the same time, you're on the edge, you're about to leave, and the memory of you, well, it does start to diminish after a while.

Life -
Things have happened lately, more like yesterday, things that nearly stole my peace from me, but God, He's so beautiful and so good. It's funny, I have begun to understand that faith is not reasonable. Reasonable is not dancing and praising God when you've lost something you've worked very hard for. Reasonable is not laughing and smiling when everyone else around you is crying or brokenhearted. Reasonable is not saying that God is in control when your eyes tell you otherwise.
So there it is, I'm the most unreasonable person I know.
Anyways a few things to remember when the storm hits -

"God will never let you go through something that is too tough for you, He has prepared you for what you're going through right now.
True faith says, "let God be the truth and every man a liar."
The Hands that hold the earth in place are holding your heart and your life.
God never leaves your side."

Also, Christmas is upon us! Woopdeedooooo! I so cannot wait, my brother-in-law is coming over for Christmas just like year and I can't wait. I've been listening to Christmas songs all through, having chocolate biscuits and watching Christmas movies, the whole shindig! I LOVE Christmas, I love taking time to appreciate the magnitude of what Jesus' birth meant for me and continues to mean for me. I am a big Christmas person so I'm just going to say Merry Christmas to everyone, have an amazing holiday, whether you've got tons of loved ones around you or not, Jesus is always there so yeah...
Buh-bye now :D

He sees my soul...

So...

Today was a pretty good day, made lots of progress today in a couple of areas...which is plenty of reason to celebrate.
Discipline is something I've never really quite gotten the hang of, still not certain as to whether I ever will but I am making progress, I can't deny that anymore. Organising yourself, learning about your priorities, what's important to you and what simply doesn't matter, those are things I've been having to learn a lot of.
And you know what? I can be such a punk sometimes...
Seriously, the level of my callousness and stupidity is impressive sometimes but God knows all of that crap...
That is just one of the many things that is amazing about Him...
He knows me better than anyone, He knows all of my flaws and still He calls me "beautiful", He is amazing and wonderful, it's like I don't have to be anything other than what I am, there's so much pressure to change who you are in this world. Today, I experienced it quite a lot, I really do allow myself to blur the lines sometimes but God is constantly calling me to draw the lines and set restrictions for myself. Accountability will never get old, trust me on that one.

"The depths of my heart and soul are an open book before You, the pages of my thoughts are not unknown to You, this little soul of mine is safe in Your care, and I am only me when I hand myself over to You"

But God sees my soul, if I allow Him to love me, if I allow myself to get lost in that love, everyone will see who I really am too, and they'll see Jesus in me too...