You Won't Relent

Surrender has always been a bit of a touchy subject for me. Humans, we don't really like vulnerability and technically speaking, it's "safer" to build up walls to stop people from getting too close to you. I think it's a very natural thing to do. Love will always be a thing of vulnerability; letting someone have your heart, loving someone means that they have a power over you, whether you like it or not.
I love God. I'll always be able to say that, always. But that love also requires certain things from me; my heart, my soul, my mind, my life, my time. Is it too much to ask? No, it's actually not but it is definitely a scary thought sometimes.

You won't relent until You
Have it all
My heart is Yours

You won't relent until You
Have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set
You as a seal
Upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love
That is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters
Cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

This is a song that means the world to me, you can hear it here. The first time I heard it, I was pretty floored; God wants me, all of me. I've always heard that quote, "I want more of Him, and less of me" and man, is that the truth or what. It's the only way in which my life can be complete. Nothing is more important than this.
I find myself wanting to give everything straight away but He quiets my heart and reminds me that this is something that must happen every single day, until my God and I are one.
And that's another mindblower, being one with Him, what must that feel like? Having your soul so undeniably tied to His, your heartbeat matching His, I definitely want to find out. It's times like this where I just know that God is my everything.
Yesterday, I found the verse in the Bible that this song is inspired by; Songs of Solomon 8:6 -

6 Place me like a seal over your heart,




like a seal on your arm;


for love is as strong as death,


its jealousy [a] unyielding as the grave. [b]


It burns like blazing fire,


like a mighty flame. [c]
7 Many waters cannot quench love;


rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give


all the wealth of his house for love,


it [d] would be utterly scorned. (NIV)

I'm pretty sure I'll never forget this part of the Bible. But then I looked up The Message translation of this verse and this is where my heart ached for God, for that need to know Him better, His word is amazing -

6-8 Hang my locket around your neck,




wear my ring on your finger.


Love is invincible facing danger and death.


Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.


The fire of love stops at nothing—


it sweeps everything before it.


Flood waters can't drown love,


torrents of rain can't put it out.


Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—


it's not to be found in the marketplace.

"The fire of love stops at nothing" - I'm pretty much amazed at this point. He won't stop, He won't soften his intensity until He has me completely wrapped up in Him. And the other part of this verse, "wear my ring on your finger" - He's openly proclaiming me as His, everyone has to know. I'm His.


My Love is mine and I am His.

So much to say...

It's been a crazy couple of days and I just have so much to say. Life has been good though, I've been so blessed, so happy, maybe my life isn't perfect but it's good enough for me.
It never ceases to amaze me, just how faithful this God that I can love can be. I've come to realise that He's never late, He's never wrong. If you're not a person of faith then you probably can't understand why I so willingly place my heart and life in the hands of an invisible God.
You probably don't understand why I keep talking about Him, it's something that I can never truly, fully explain to another human being. It's something to be experienced and my greatest joy in life is that I know Him, and that He loves me.
Anyways, enough mushy stuff for now. Today I was checking my emails in the morning and I got an email from facebook telling me that someone I suspected to be someone from my past wanted to be friends on facebook. I flipped out and  just had to leave her a video on her wall. It was the most unexpected, amazing thing. I'm still awaiting her response but I'm glad she's alive, and from the looks of things - well.
I'm not even sure if we'll be able to be friends, five years can change a lot of things about a person and in just this past year alone, I've grown up so very much. I'm not sure what we'll talk about now, but I'm glad to have her in my life, even for just a little bit. She was always a special person in my heart and I always wondered if we'd cross paths ever again, and apparently, God had that same thing in mind too.
I guess that the life I live is going by pretty fast. I kinda see myself as a little girl, on a train, with the scenery around her rushing by her, and God is the one thing I can clearly see, the one thing that isn't affected by everything else. He is just who He is, all the time, and His love is so simple yet so powerful.
Because everyone changes, I never expected to change as much as I did but everyday reaffirms the fact that I'm growing up to be a strong and beautiful woman.

"It's the wheel of the world turning around"

Letting go...

Well, this is something that I've had to do recently and I'd be lying my face off if I said it was an easy task. Humans, well, we're made to love, we're made to treasure things...and people, of course - the latter being the more valuable. I've come to understand that in life, there are seasons, there is a time for everything. There are people who I had in my life two years ago and now we can barely sustain a five-minute conversation. Not to say we hate each other, it's just that we can't be in each other's lives anymore.
I've also come to understand that everything in life changes; plans change, people change, feelings change but the one constant in my life is God. He's still the same God that swept my heart away four years ago, everything He said, He has done. Every promise, every time He told me He'd never leave,  every time He told me that I was held by such a fierce love, all of that is true.
Every time He held my nearly-shattered heart in His hands and promised that He was not through with me, every time the wind blows on my face and I am reminded that I am not alone. Even when fear grips my heart momentarily, and He speaks soft words of love and encouragement. Even in the times when the situation seemed much too overwhelming and He'd say, "go on ahead love, I'm with you".
This is my freedom; that I know Him, that I love Him, that I know His love for me, that I know His love for humanity.
It is because of this freedom that I am able to forgive, that I want to forgive and that I can let people go from my life without trying to pull them back in. There are people who have accomplished their mission in our lives, there are those who weren't even supposed to be there in the first place but if God has taken them out of our lives, it is only for our good, and this can only be a bad thing if we decide to go against God.
I love this quote by Mr A. W. Tozer:

"Outside of the will of God, there's nothing I want, and in the will of God, there's nothing I fear"

I find that to be so inspiring and that's really the quote in my life right now.
Recently, I had to let go of a relationship very important to me, and it's hard, I still want to talk to her sometimes, and there are times when I want things to go back to normal but this is His will, and anything outside of His will, I do not desire.
I have learnt to live unapologetically, I am only one person, I can only be one person effectively and that is myself. The people who are bothered by this do not matter, and those that matter are not bothered by this.

Picking up, although, hardly where we left off...

Okay, so I'm not going to start the post with "so..." like I usually do because this time, I've actually been away for quite some time so it's hardly appropriate anymore.
Alot has happened since the last time I posted on this blog, I mean, alot. I graduated high-school, had my prom, finished and aced all my exams, started planning for college, so much, so much. I think I've grown tons since then.
On the last day of secondary school, I cried, alot. Haha, I seem to be using that word a little too often in this post. Maybe it's because everything is becoming more intense; my love for God, my hope for my future, leaving a part of my life behind, saying goodbye to people, fighting to keep other people in my life. Everything's immense right now, and I like that, makes me feel human.
I love limitless, passionate living because I honestly think that's what God intended. C'mon, what's life without a little pain or a little fear, and then again, what's life without those moments where you see your dreams come true, where your faith becomes your eyes.
Random thought - I don't know what it is about Bruce Springsteen's "Walking In Memphis" that makes me love life and feel like I can do anything. I don't understand the feeling, but I definitely welcome it.
I've decided that I'm going to update this blog way more frequently, just for my sanity, haha. For some reason, I don't write songs as often as I used to, I plan to change that but I definitely want to keep this blog as another outlet.
Like right now, I'm typing away like a mad woman, just saying whatever, it's pretty healthy.

Anyways, I hope everyone's having a great time and enjoying life
I wish you only the very best and fullest life
live it to the full!
xxx

In the middle of it all...

Oh. my. goodness.
Well, now it's officially been too long and I feel, actually not too bad, it's something that I've had to do, I've been doing a lot of schoolwork and I mean ALOT. Plus, lots of living, lots of wandering from Love's arms and wondering whether or not I really want to live for Him and it's funny how God is always pointing everything in my life to Him, I always like to think I've got this whole faith thing figured out and the truth is I haven't.
I've had a lot of worldly influence lately and it's been taking it's toll, I've searched for comfort, for love, for affirmation in the most unfulfilling places and this is what it feels like - the most incomprehensible emptiness, a thorough lack of joy and inspiration, in the words of Flyleaf -

"I saw the queen/Swam up below her star on sea beneath/Though I lifted up my hands to her/She never lifted me/Something's missing in me/I felt it deep within me/As lovers left me to bleed alone"

So yeah, I've lived a lot lately, my heart has felt a number of things too, jealousy and a lot of love, or at least what feels like love at this age and it's kinda scary, I have such a great capacity for love and this scares me because everyone wants to love and be loved back and if the latter doesn't happen then well, the heart breaks.
And yes, my heart is breaking, for my generation, there are things that I can't even begin to explain in this blog, I literally broke down in tears today, people are wasting their lives, their destinies and their virtues in the most heartbreaking of ways and no one is brave enough to say anything.
And I wandered from God recently so I've had the opportunity to see this on a deeper level but then I heard this amazing song from this new band that I completely adore, Nevertheless...

"I want to come closer



But you are so distant


Lately your thoughts are so far


And I want to show you all that you're missing


I'll meet you right where you are
Oh love, I've always known you


Oh love, you've always been mine


Oh love, I'm only asking you for your life"

Too long, tooooooo long but smiles anyway :DDD

Soooooo...

Wow, okay, so it's definitely been too long now but I've had issues with this laptop of mine as well as school stuff and just life happening, and oh, did I mention, I've also been very lazy, I suck, no need to remind me, this I know, very well.
Anyways, well, life has happened, a lot has happened and I almost don't have the patience to tell you everything but positive things, loads of curves and bumps in the road, my God likesto keep things interesting and this is what He does. Sometimes I just sit down and smile and think about all the cool stories I'm gonna have for my kids, and grandkids, and hopefully, my great-grand-kids, I know I've always said I want to live long but it's especially for them. I never knew my great-grand-ma, I heard very little about the person she was but from the little I have heard, she was a very lovely and caring woman, can't wait to meet her in heaven one day.
I've had a ton of exams lately, as well as college interview :D Yup, I'm pretty happy about this, I'm starting to get this whole discipline thing worked out, see it's all about Jesus, when my eyes are on Him, everything else just falls into place, freakishly easy too, freakishly easy.
And dudes, there are times when I just feel like I've let myself down, and trust me, I do that quite often but then the Spirit reminds me that the same power that raised Jesus from the grave is living in me, working in me, breathing into me every single day of my life, isn't that just the craziest thing? Strange ways to save the world, eh?
Haha, but well, God is good, He's very good. Of late, I've had my eyes opened wider to His goodness and it is mind-blowing! I've attended a few times, this church called VPA, so annointed with a Pastor that just loves God and is so annointed and has an incredible desire to see God work in the lives of His people. And man, isn't that what I want? I want the entirety of the living God, all of Him, or I want nothing to do with religion.
And it's crazy because, "religion" as most of us know it has very little to do with intimacy with God, which sucks, I cannot begin to tell you how much that really sucks, honestly. Before I got saved, I didn't even KNOW that you could have this kind of closeness with God, isn't that weird? I had no clue, no idea, it didn't seem like a real possibility to me at the time.
But man was I floored when He came into my life...
Anyways, what do I want to say amidst all these utterly inconsistent ramblings?
God loves you, I mean, the whole no-holds-barred kinda love...

"You're saved when you believe in God but you're changed when you realise that He believes in you"
:DDDD Byeeeee

Dancing and juggling, good fun, good fun :D

Sooooo...

It has been a good long while since I last updated, again, for the millionth time, I am giving myself a mental beat-down.
But in all this, God has been oh so good, never letting go of my hand and taking me through the worst and being ever-so-present through the best. What am I doing right now? Watching some good ol' Disney channel. Oddly enough, I actually like some of the Disney stars, I'll be honest Disney isn't the first place to go to for authenticity but I have a soft spot for Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez, especially Selena. They're human okay? I think it's easy to forget that sometimes.
Anyhoozer, there is so much going on in my  life right now, exam preparation, coursework, headgirl duties, growing up and becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, not always feeling pretty enough, days when I feel gorgeous, learning to organise myself better, learning to put God first in everything, a whole ton of stuff that I'm juggling.
But it's all good fun and it's all in God's good will so yes, I find myself being on my knees more often, but time like that is good for moi.

Buh-bye now :D

Sweetness :)

So...

Haha okay, I have been neglecting to update this blog for some time now, I don't even know why really because, there's just no point in neglecting something that I know I so badly love to do.
So, the point I'm trying to make? I am a stupidhead, a big ol' one too.
Anyways, life is pretty sweet right now, though with a few setbacks, you can't do without those if you really want to fulfill your God-given destiny. I'd say I'm a pretty strong girl, the things I've gone through have made me so. My life, the way it is right now, eight years ago, this is definitely not what I would've expected and I think that it's a good thing. I know who's in charge, God, not me.
And I'm not without my insecurities either, these past couple of weeks have taught me that I have my fair share of those. And all of these things, just make me want to run into my Daddy's strong arms and stay there forever. It humbles me, makes me want to listen, makes me see myself for what I really am. I think I was getting to a place where I thought I was almost invincinble, like I had no insecurities, and that's never the truth is it? So I thank God for the hard stuff I've experienced in recent times.
The aftermath of the pain and the fire is actually pretty sweet, I'll be honest.
So the crap we're going through right now, God will make it worthwhile, He woud never, ever waste our pain.
Just thought I'd share this with you.

Buh-bye now :D

Let's do this..

So...

Let's do this consistency thingy, funnily enough, I actually believe that I'm starting to get a hang of this. All of those difficult words - consistency, discipline, control. Man, I've just not gotten the hang of it for most of my life.
But today...well, I actually feel like I can do it.
See, I'm at this stage where I'm at the verge of the rest of my life and I know that every decision I make will impact my life, either for the better or for the worse. And I also know that we are not a product of what we do, but we are a product of what we repeat. And truthfully, old habits die hard so if you've gotten into the habit of procrastination, you can feel my pain right now.
It's just, it really is the hardest thing to break away from because you get used to all these stupid mindsets and you can actually tell yourself, most of the time, that you have an excuse for your laziness and seriously, I'm tired of living that way.
But today was a good day, had my yearbook pictures taken today. I know that I'll look back on all this stuff one day and just laugh my head off. I love being young, I love making mistakes and not knowing stuff and discovering new things about myself, about Jesus every single day, I love the carelessness and carefreeness of it.
I got the most terrible headache though, thankfully when I got to my Maths lesson, I was actually able to pay attention for more than five minutes and do some much needed revision of circle theorems and it was good, productive.
And then there's the bestie - Katherine, I love that girl. Spending time with her just makes me remember this passage from the Bible and it just rings true, "A man of many companions may fall but there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother", and we've stood by each other through a lot and we have the best and craziest memories. We could literally laugh together forever and we know each other better than anyone else. I'm gonna miss that kid when we leave secondary school.
Anyways, I can feel myself maturing, almost to the point where it's scary and then I'm reminded of a saying I've heard before - "When I was a child, I reasoned as a child..." and it's always weird for me because sometimes I still can't believe I'm getting older, going off to college and everything, it's still weird because  a part of me is just screaming, "This is happening wayyy too soon" but it is happening and it's time to embrace it.
Let's do this :)

Buh-bye now :D

Blah blah blah...

So...

Having the most random day, and I'm really getting into Glee, one of the first new shows that I've really taken an interest in, in a looong time. I like TV, a lot, but I'm far more of a movie-with-friends-and-family person so I tend to only ever watch TV when there's good company. I can never seem to shut up, haha. Even when I was watching my favourite movie of the century, Avatar, me and my sister couldn't shut up in the cinema. We weren't too loud or anything, we just love a good chat and there were things that I know I wouldn't have laughed about if I wasn't there with her.
My pastor is quite a frank, straight-to-the-point kinda guy and on his office door, where everyone can see it says, "This year - control your mouth". In my life, control and mouth tend to kinda avoid it each other like the plague. This is bad. So very bad.
When I look back on my life, there is a lot of crap that I could have just avoided had I just taken the time to actually think about what I'm saying or just refrain from saying certain things at all.
And a couple of weeks ago, I experienced firsthand how words can really impact a life. Someone said something that sounded kinda small, it was less than ten words but it stayed with me for about three days, constantly haunting my mind, eating away at my confidence, slowly ebbing away at my insecurities and boy did it suck.
I don't want to be the kinda person that kills dreams and hearts with their words, if there is a single thing that I want to do in this life, it's to encourage and inspire, and make people happy. I want to love people through my words and I want people to see the love of God in me.
It's kinda odd that the same mouth that I use to bless the God of Heaven is sometimes the mouth that I use to curse or hurt someone, it's darn shameful I tell you. It makes no sense and you can serve only one master.
I plan to serve God.
Simple as that.

"Let my words be few"

Buh-bye now :)

Random thoughts, been a while since I had this kinda post..

Soo..

Okay, so I'm having a "random post" day kinda feeling..that, or I can't actually think of a suitable title for this one, or are my titles ever suitable? questionsss..
Anyhoozer, I hope everybody's okay and finding love and happiness and joy and fun and truth in Jesus, and just, learning to listen to this God that we serve..
I'm sitting here with my cup of tea and I've got some good ol' Bethany Dillon playin and I'm pretty content right now, see, I've got a lot of stuff that I need to be doing and a lot of stuff that I'm commited to at the moment - school, my music, loving people, this blog. There's just so much that I'm expecting of myself at this point in time and I just, I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do it all...but I'm leaning on God, that's what He's telling me to do.
Because, outside of Him, I really don't see how this thing called life is worth doing, if it's even possible to do, I'm just busy and I got home extra late from school today and my time just seems to be flying out the door.
Times like this really bring me to my knees and I just, I need God's grace and presence so much.
Anyways, today at school was fun, one of my favourite human beings in the world, a girl after my own heart Roma, was playing music at school today and well, it's beautiful to see what God does in people's lives even when we're mostly unconscious of it. She started playing guitar when she was eight and she's outstanding and she sings too, and I'm sure that when she first started playing, it seemed like nothing special but the truth is that, now, it's just incredible to see.
Another reason why I love her is because well, she loves my bestest friend in the entire universe - that man called Jesus.
Anyways, after school I saw one of my buddies from primary school that I haven't seen in forever and he was so growwwn! I couldn't even tell it was him, he's taller than me and everything. I don't think he recognised me but still, it was really good seeing him again and beneath all that height and puberty, it was nice to see little bits and pieces of the seven year old that I loved with all my heart.
But change, change is a good thing, especially when you know you're in God's will so don't run away from change, embrace it, arms wide open and everything.

Buh-bye now :D

More change? Lord, help me...

So...

Well, God is doing a wonderful little work in my heart today, I love times like this when I can see His will so clearly but then again, I'm not gonna lie when I say that His will, at times, frightens me a little. He's a very big God and I'm a very small human and sometimes, I depend on the physical a little too much, I forget to think beneath the surface and the things God has said just, they seem so big.
But there is this pretty little thing called surrender. And it's something that I'm learning to do more and more of everyday so we thank God for the grace that He so willingly lends to us.
I was watching this program today called "Life at the summit" and the most wonderful teacher of the Word was speaking about taking the time to evaluate the roles that the people in your life play. Now, this was a scary wonderful message for me to hear at this point in my life when so much change is taking place so rapidly. My world is constantly being altered all the time and God is just saying so much to me right now.
There are those who will add to your life, there are those who will take away from your life, there are those who will leave you as you are and there are those who will divide. And then he started saying that a best friend should be someone who brings out the best in you. I really searched in my heart to find out whether the people I call my best friends bring out the best in me, and this has got me thinking BIG TIME.
I need to be sure of the roles that people play in my life, I need to know which relationships to nurture and which ones to slowly tear myself out of. It's a very important thing and there are people that God has put in your life and at the same time, there are those that the devil has sent to derail you, to distract you from your goal in this world, to blur your vision and your focus.
So, I'm gonna start praying from now on that God teaches us to recognise these things in people and helps us to understand the roles that people play in our life better.
I'm not saying that God's will makes a lot of sense most of the time, but He is the hand that holds the world and He loves us, I'd say He's worth trusting.

Buh-bye now :)

Dreams of the future..

So...

It seems that I'm getting a little better at this whole "consistency" thing eh?
Yup, I agree.
Hehe anyways, I went to view a college today, Havering Sixth Form College to be precise and it was amazing, I love the place already. All that talk of learning and growing and furthering all the skills I've been getting in secondary school is so exciting, it makes me want to study all day if that were possible.
I just, have this deep, unshakeable feeling that God is going to do something spectacular in my life and I'm finally beginning to see that life will go on after secondary school. I always get a little sad when about leaving friends, familliarity and an entire community behind but my heart is pretty much consoled right now. I have so much potential and what God keeps saying to me is, "Arise and be all that you can be, all that I've created you to be".
I'm at this dreaming stage right now, thinking of all that I want my life to be. Obviously, Jesus is the first thing. I don't want to do this thing called life without Him, why would I?
But people there is so much promise and love around us, that it's hard to ignore. God's promises and God's love, to be precise. So much to be happy about, so much to dream about. God has so much for us and this is just, the year where I'm growing so much already and just depending on  Him like never before. Because, the waters of life, when you hold on to Him, they will not overwhelm you, trust me on this. And whatever He requires of you, do it. Seriously, do it.

Buh-bye now :D

And the change is coming..

So..

I've stopped regulating how frequently I blog now, which is rather unpleasant to be honest, I created this blog in the hopes that I'd be able to say what's on my mind more and I just haven't been doing that very much, yup, I suck, I know now.
Anyways, God's been doing a mighty big work in my heart, a mighty good one. I'm at the stage where I've tried living for myself, I've tried the whole "carnality" thing and it kinda sucks to be honest, it just doesn't matter to me anymore, God is just showing me how none of these things that we spend so much of our time pursuing, how very few of them actually matter. All these fads and trends, they just, they dissapear so fast and time, definitely, waits for no one.
I just have such a hunger for God right now and for the things of Him, I want all of Him, all of Him, or nothing at all. I want my heart, my mind, my eyes, my soul to be saturated with His presence and His love, there's just nothing else for me right now.
I need to have a reason to want to do well in life - right now I'm on the verge of the rest of my life, leaving secondary school/high school forever, it's the end of an era, it's the end of  what has become one of the most beautiful parts of my life. And all I can say is that I want Jesus.
There's just, there's so much ahead and it's crazy sometimes, so much will happen so fast, I'm growing everyday and just changing in ways that kinda scare me a little but I just know this - I want my Saviour, and I want Him alone.
The other day I was making changes to my hotmail account and it said, "relationship status" and I was looking through the options and it said, "commited" and that was the one I chose. I'm not in a relationship with anyone but I'm very commited to Someone else. What I have with Jesus, it just, it transcends love or anything that I could sit down and try to make sense of, it's just more, way more.
So change is coming, good change and God is with me, and He's in my heart and He's in my life and I know that I wouldn't be the same without Him.

Buh-bye now :)

The first one of the year! WOOT :D

Soooo...

Once again, it has been a while since I've posted on here and I pretty much hate myself for it because, well, I love this place, I really do and I get a little dissapointed when I see that I've only had like twenty odd posts since I started posting in September, I suck, okay, that's kinda where I'm going here.
But anyways, 2009 is out of our hair, hahaha well, it's gone, forever, never comin' back, hasta la vista, but it's a good thing and I genuinely believe that it was a good year, excellent even and I hope it was the same for you.
But 2010...
There are sooo many things that God is speaking to my heart this year, and it's pretty scary that the message I heard on the crossover night was so made for me. God knows what He's doing, I try not to let myself forget that :) The message was about thinking deeply, and it's sad because so few people do. I know that it's pretty fun to act on impulse and do what feels right in the moment but it's a dangerous thing. Now, thinking deeply probably sounds safe, but rather, I believe that acting on impulse, and thinking at the surface-level is what's safe, everyone's doin' it. You're afraid to think deeper because you think you'll drown. And I have to remind myself that it's a good thing because it's just so much easier to not do it.
Thinking deeply requires courage, determination and discipline, all of which I tend to lack pretty often but God is my strength so that's going to change, big time.
And again, something else God has been teaching me to do is faith.
It's a big word.
Simple.
A pretty simple concept.
I've heard this word nearly every day of my life.
But I only started living it.
Recently.
I'm reminded of the story in the Bible, Jesus's first miracle, the one where He turned water into wine, and Mary tells the men at the party, "Whatever he bids you to do, do it"...
Weird how that's all faith really is...
Doing whatever He tells me to do, and everybody's heard that faith without works is dead, and a lot of the time, the things God asks us to do can be bizarre and most people would call them foolish but He's God and I love Him more than anything.
I have this fire in my heart to follow Him relentlessly and blindly, and that my friends is what I'm going to do.
And I pray the same for you all.
Buh-bye now