And the change is coming..

So..

I've stopped regulating how frequently I blog now, which is rather unpleasant to be honest, I created this blog in the hopes that I'd be able to say what's on my mind more and I just haven't been doing that very much, yup, I suck, I know now.
Anyways, God's been doing a mighty big work in my heart, a mighty good one. I'm at the stage where I've tried living for myself, I've tried the whole "carnality" thing and it kinda sucks to be honest, it just doesn't matter to me anymore, God is just showing me how none of these things that we spend so much of our time pursuing, how very few of them actually matter. All these fads and trends, they just, they dissapear so fast and time, definitely, waits for no one.
I just have such a hunger for God right now and for the things of Him, I want all of Him, all of Him, or nothing at all. I want my heart, my mind, my eyes, my soul to be saturated with His presence and His love, there's just nothing else for me right now.
I need to have a reason to want to do well in life - right now I'm on the verge of the rest of my life, leaving secondary school/high school forever, it's the end of an era, it's the end of  what has become one of the most beautiful parts of my life. And all I can say is that I want Jesus.
There's just, there's so much ahead and it's crazy sometimes, so much will happen so fast, I'm growing everyday and just changing in ways that kinda scare me a little but I just know this - I want my Saviour, and I want Him alone.
The other day I was making changes to my hotmail account and it said, "relationship status" and I was looking through the options and it said, "commited" and that was the one I chose. I'm not in a relationship with anyone but I'm very commited to Someone else. What I have with Jesus, it just, it transcends love or anything that I could sit down and try to make sense of, it's just more, way more.
So change is coming, good change and God is with me, and He's in my heart and He's in my life and I know that I wouldn't be the same without Him.

Buh-bye now :)

The first one of the year! WOOT :D

Soooo...

Once again, it has been a while since I've posted on here and I pretty much hate myself for it because, well, I love this place, I really do and I get a little dissapointed when I see that I've only had like twenty odd posts since I started posting in September, I suck, okay, that's kinda where I'm going here.
But anyways, 2009 is out of our hair, hahaha well, it's gone, forever, never comin' back, hasta la vista, but it's a good thing and I genuinely believe that it was a good year, excellent even and I hope it was the same for you.
But 2010...
There are sooo many things that God is speaking to my heart this year, and it's pretty scary that the message I heard on the crossover night was so made for me. God knows what He's doing, I try not to let myself forget that :) The message was about thinking deeply, and it's sad because so few people do. I know that it's pretty fun to act on impulse and do what feels right in the moment but it's a dangerous thing. Now, thinking deeply probably sounds safe, but rather, I believe that acting on impulse, and thinking at the surface-level is what's safe, everyone's doin' it. You're afraid to think deeper because you think you'll drown. And I have to remind myself that it's a good thing because it's just so much easier to not do it.
Thinking deeply requires courage, determination and discipline, all of which I tend to lack pretty often but God is my strength so that's going to change, big time.
And again, something else God has been teaching me to do is faith.
It's a big word.
Simple.
A pretty simple concept.
I've heard this word nearly every day of my life.
But I only started living it.
Recently.
I'm reminded of the story in the Bible, Jesus's first miracle, the one where He turned water into wine, and Mary tells the men at the party, "Whatever he bids you to do, do it"...
Weird how that's all faith really is...
Doing whatever He tells me to do, and everybody's heard that faith without works is dead, and a lot of the time, the things God asks us to do can be bizarre and most people would call them foolish but He's God and I love Him more than anything.
I have this fire in my heart to follow Him relentlessly and blindly, and that my friends is what I'm going to do.
And I pray the same for you all.
Buh-bye now

Now, this time, it's REALLY been too long...

Soooooo...

It's been too long, that much is obvious now...
I updated like last month, now that's shameful but I do have a valid reason; my sister's laptop (which I use to do all of my blogging), it broke down and for like three weeks it had to be repaired, after that, I've been really busy with my Mock exams and loads of school stuff, not to mention that I fell pretty ill in between all of that.
But I'm back now, and hopefully for good too...:)
So what have we missed?

The illness -
First of all, it started with a really dry throat and then a sore throat followed that and just when I was starting to get better, I woke up the next morning with my bones aching and with a fiery hot body (not in the attractive way lol, I wish). I went to school that day anyway and boy did I pay for it or what...I couldn't concentrate and my body temperature went even higher and everything continued to hurt. It was so irritating because it started to play games with me, sometimes my temperature would return to normal then out of nowhere, I'd get really hot again, but alas, my God is good and I survived...no swine flu here lol.

Mock exams -
I was really prepared for the study leave, with the exception of my first Maths paper; I don't think I did too well on that one, one of my worst examinations ever. Period. Everything else went swimmingly and the study leave (which I'm currently still on) has been all kinds of awesomeness. I got to hang out with friends in between exams and that was really cool. It's also really challenged me and it's made me want to do exceedingly well in the real GCSE exams, more so than ever. It's also given me a taster of what it'll be like when I leave, it's so weird being in year 11, really you've never been more a part of your school but at the same time, you're on the edge, you're about to leave, and the memory of you, well, it does start to diminish after a while.

Life -
Things have happened lately, more like yesterday, things that nearly stole my peace from me, but God, He's so beautiful and so good. It's funny, I have begun to understand that faith is not reasonable. Reasonable is not dancing and praising God when you've lost something you've worked very hard for. Reasonable is not laughing and smiling when everyone else around you is crying or brokenhearted. Reasonable is not saying that God is in control when your eyes tell you otherwise.
So there it is, I'm the most unreasonable person I know.
Anyways a few things to remember when the storm hits -

"God will never let you go through something that is too tough for you, He has prepared you for what you're going through right now.
True faith says, "let God be the truth and every man a liar."
The Hands that hold the earth in place are holding your heart and your life.
God never leaves your side."

Also, Christmas is upon us! Woopdeedooooo! I so cannot wait, my brother-in-law is coming over for Christmas just like year and I can't wait. I've been listening to Christmas songs all through, having chocolate biscuits and watching Christmas movies, the whole shindig! I LOVE Christmas, I love taking time to appreciate the magnitude of what Jesus' birth meant for me and continues to mean for me. I am a big Christmas person so I'm just going to say Merry Christmas to everyone, have an amazing holiday, whether you've got tons of loved ones around you or not, Jesus is always there so yeah...
Buh-bye now :D

He sees my soul...

So...

Today was a pretty good day, made lots of progress today in a couple of areas...which is plenty of reason to celebrate.
Discipline is something I've never really quite gotten the hang of, still not certain as to whether I ever will but I am making progress, I can't deny that anymore. Organising yourself, learning about your priorities, what's important to you and what simply doesn't matter, those are things I've been having to learn a lot of.
And you know what? I can be such a punk sometimes...
Seriously, the level of my callousness and stupidity is impressive sometimes but God knows all of that crap...
That is just one of the many things that is amazing about Him...
He knows me better than anyone, He knows all of my flaws and still He calls me "beautiful", He is amazing and wonderful, it's like I don't have to be anything other than what I am, there's so much pressure to change who you are in this world. Today, I experienced it quite a lot, I really do allow myself to blur the lines sometimes but God is constantly calling me to draw the lines and set restrictions for myself. Accountability will never get old, trust me on that one.

"The depths of my heart and soul are an open book before You, the pages of my thoughts are not unknown to You, this little soul of mine is safe in Your care, and I am only me when I hand myself over to You"

But God sees my soul, if I allow Him to love me, if I allow myself to get lost in that love, everyone will see who I really am too, and they'll see Jesus in me too...

Oh my wow!

So...

It's really has been too long this time...what has it been? Like two weeks or more since I've written last, that's a mighty shame...see, I know I should write, I just really don't feel like it somehow, see this is why I write songs and not stories, speaking of which, I had to write a story this week, it was short, about four pages long, and was based on one of my songs called Horizon...
Lyrics are here...
Horizon

(Verse)

Where did the days go?

Time didn’t play fair
You held my hand
And then you let go
The mirror tells me I’m older
The winter tells us we’re colder

I’m afraid of what’s ahead
I’m running away
Trying to escape the horizon


(Chorus)
The hands of time keep swaying me
I need to stop
I need to think
Sit with me now
Hold me
I need to stop
I need to think
I need to know You’re with me
Lest the tides of time should swallow me

(Verse)
We used to run together
You were on my side
You’re moving too fast
My eyes need to adjust
My life ‘til now is a blur before me
The rush of the wind chills me
I’m afraid of what hasn’t been
I’m running away
Trying to escape the horizon

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Suddenly I’m not who I used to be
It wasn’t meant to be like this
My place of youth
Can’t I stay a little longer?
The fear in my heart threatens to crush me
But perfect love
Kills all fear


(Chorus)

God is amazing, I wrote that song in like ten minutes, it's weird, I've been thinking about growing up for a while and it can be a bit scary sometimes so it was nice to get that on paper, God is always showing me sooo much, this is what I love about song-writing, it's like my heart on paper, seriously though, if you wanted to get to know me, my songs would probably be the best medium for such a thing. I'm so in tune with who I am and what's going on in my head and I'm commited to being an honest song-writer.
Anyhoozer, today at school, I got my head-girl tie, it's red! Hahaha don't know why I was particularly excited there but I am. The prefects ties are a nice shade of dark blue different to my school's usual navy blue but mine's red! Anyways, it was really cool, nerve-wrecking at first because it's almost like it makes the whole thing official...when I was putting it on, I was flipping out in my head big-time! My friend, who's more like a sister to me, Rosemary helped me put it on because I still don't know how to tie a tie, I was so nervous and excited.
And studying has been on my mind a lot lately, I don't just want to study, I want to be able to come home from school and review and really make an effort to understand what I learnt at school, exams don't scare me anymore, thankfully...
so yup, these are some things I just had to say...
Buh-bye now :D

Growing up = Happy times :)

So...

In case you haven't realised, I'm a happy person, and impossibly happy one at that...
In life, there are so many things to be loved, I'm always smiling when I'm on my way home, I'm always smiling to myself like a crazy fool, I guess that's what loving Jesus does to you, with my sinful nature and my selfishness went my reasoning...ha!
Yeah, growing up, well, it's been fun, the whole thing, not just the recent big-kid/mini-adult part, from the point where my memory actually has archives of stuff until now, it's been really cool...
Sure, a lot of hard work in my life right now, headgirl duties, daughter duties, schoolgirl duties, all of that stuff makes my life all the more worth living...
I was thinking a lot about that today, how I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's, not at all, it's been too much fun! Hahaha
All of the bad stuff, the times I just prayed would end, the points where I felt like God was playing hide 'n' seek with me, the nights I cried in my room, the times I'd stare in the mirror and wish for that ugly girl to go away...
Yeah, I've known pain alright...

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

But...I know Love too :)
And really, all that junk in my life, all the bad stuff, that's all lead me to Him and this is why I'm so happy...
The Creator of the Heaven and earth is in my heart this very moment, never to leave me desolate or alone, He will never let me go, He is the strength of my heart, He is what brightens my day quite simply put.
This is why growing up doesn't scare me anymore; sure, there will be bumps in the road but He is here. He is...here.
With you.
With me.
Don't ever forget...

Buh-bye now :)

Illuminating the darkness...:)

So...

Again, I haven't been blogging very consistently, which I do apologise for (if anyone is actually reading this blog besides my best-friends Rose and Katherine).
Anywho, today is Wednesday, school was pretty good today, I had to do some serious work on my music coursework today and it's soundin' pretty good, I must admit.
But life is pretty awesome right now, though I'm pretty appalled at myself right now, God had to literally get my iPod to stop working just so that we could have some valuable Father/daughter time where He could talk to me, get me to see through His eyes and yes, illuminate my darkness...

"I can be, in a crowd, or by myself, and almost anywhere, when I feel there's a need, to talk with God, He is Emmanuel, when I close my eyes, no darkness there, there's only light"

So, He's been speaking to my heart...
See, this whole growing up, in fact, this whole being alive thing is such a journey, and already, it's been the most eventful journey for me...
from the basic things like being responsible and punctual to letting God be God in my life, allowing myself to be loved thoroughly by Him, it's not always easy because there's this seriously human part of me that's screaming, "Lord, I want to do it on. my. own!"
Of course that part of me is the idiot part :P
There is a part of the me that is constantly warring against God's word, His will, and of course, I will never surrender...
So God has been speaking to me about keeping my eyes on Him, something that is very hard for me to do, I always want to do things, to be busy, I want things done in a hurry, this is a fast-paced world but all of that stuff makes my eyes do weird things and it's only when I focus on God that all those other things fall into perspective...
things like school, love, self-esteem, fun times, work, career stuff etc.
Knowing that God holds my heart and my very life, I'm very excited about growing up, I'm so passionate about life, about growing more and more each day, about stepping up and being who I was created to be, there's so little fear in this heart right now.
Not that the occasional bout of fear will not seize me every now and then but God's truth will always beat it back, always...

Buh-bye now
:) <3